Sunday, 3 July 2016

My Journey


'What's past, is prologue'

This picture has got me thinking. Well, actually I think all the time and it makes me tired. But this is one of my favourite photo's made of me. Not because I look that good and sexy in this picture, but because of the location. The contrast it represents and the journey I was making to the Notre Dame de la Garde in Marseille.

Talking about journeys, I feel like I'm on a journey at the moment and I would like to talk about it for a moment. This is going to be a rather long read, so make sure you have your popcorn ready and some delicious beverages. I'm talking my sadness, anxiety and becoming more introvert.
I am not sure why I'm writing this and I'm not even sure if this is good or bad. My mental health posts are going up with the week I think and to call them mental health posts is another thing. I don't think I offer help or a solution to me or to others. It's basically me rambling on about how I feel and how that does affect me. But if you haven't clicked away now, I guess you want to know more about me at the moment.

For me my sadness, anxieties and becoming more introverted are all connected with each other. I just want to explain how that has its effect on me and how I think it's all connected. If that makes sense at all. I'm such a mess at the moment, I don't even now what being organised is.

I think I've always experienced anxieties in a way that was intense, really intense. But I always thought of it as me being too attached, too emotional, too unstable and just a plain whiner. I just pretended I didn't feel like this and hid it for other people. This because of the simple fact that people ended up hurting me when I opened up about how I felt. Kept judging me.
I have been feeling on and off for the past 5 or 6 years to be honest. Occasionally seeking help and being given different labels, to change it after 6 months. Very frustrating and not really good for the way I felt, that uncertain feeling.

But last February I really hit the jackpot. I noticed that things were getting worse. Feeling sad and really anxious about everything. Couldn't control my emotions and fears. And this got to the 'Big Bang' point when I was away with my mates for a weekend in Vienna. Sure, I knew I went out less than previous and I felt more insecure, but I didn't feel like it restricted me or bothered me. Until that specific night.
All was fine with going out for dinner and the first pub, then we went to a shots bar or something like that. Not my cup of tea and I don't drink so, that was something I felt rather uncomfortable about. It wasn't a nice setting, it was very dark and the people that worked there were really hipster, outgoing and pushy people. When I said I wanted a cola, they laughed and brought me a Bacardi Cola instead. I felt insulted, but also sad. I had fears about everything at that moment. My friends having too much to drink. My friends having fights with other groups. My friends not liking me anymore. Racism. The bar getting bashed in my drunken people. Being alone. Feeling ugly. My mind made hours of thinking in just a split second and as my friends got drunker I came to the conclusion that I couldn't function with these fears, thoughts and sad feelings. I went back to the hotel and I felt so overwhelmingly sad. I've been feeling sad ever since.

This was the start of my journey and I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder. Okay, great it has a label. Another one I thought for god's sake. On the other hand I also thought I could work with this you know? Therapy, talking and perhaps more.  But the support system in the Netherlandss is shambolic.

One of the most positive and sane decisions I've made after finding out, was the decision to start blogging. It is a great outlet for me AND I've made some internetfriends on the way. I don't know if they would call me friends, but I do and they've helped me a lot. Just by talking to me and sharing their experiences. I couldn't be more grateful for that to be honest.

What was told me about the anxieties was in all of the aspects quite accurate, except for one in my case. It's the feeling of sadness I seem to have all the time and it's absolutely killing me at the moment. I wake up sad and 'depressed' and it's very hard to find something to cheer me up. I'm very quiet which leads to 100 questions in a day; 'Are you okay?' 'What's the matter?' 'Come on, act normal' 'Get over it' etcetera. It's driving me mad and that makes it only worse.
Festivals and concerts are not done anymore, the anxieties are too much at the moment. I've been to a festival last week and I ended up fucking anxious, trouble breathing, crying in one corner of the tent. It's shocking and terrible, one of my great joys in life 'taking' away from me. That's how I feel about it.

Even football has been infected by this. Football is absolutely my greatest hobby, passion and perhaps my work. Until last week it was even my 'go happy place', but this changed. I got so excited and so emotionally invested, that it triggered my anxiety. Badly. And last night I got the best of me, after the game I was so anxious, scared and insecure. Someone joked about unfollowing me and I really got sad, like Marc. You okay mate? Nah. This is terrible, football triggers my anxiety. I feel like I have no safe haven.

As I've said earlier this week, I feel like I'm stuck in this sad, depressed and anxious state. I'm sure it will all turn out great eventually and I will recover in a proper way. But I don't see it and this sadness is absolutely killing me guys.

I'm writing this in my room. Other than going for a little run, I have been here all day and quite frankly I see another consequence of my anxieties. It's a hard one for me; I'm becoming or have become an introvert.
Okay, hold your horses people. I don't mean that this is a negative thing. It's just as normal as cheese on toast, d'ya know what I mean? But it's very scary seeing yourself transform in the space of just a couple of months. It's scary to see yourself transforming from enjoying people's company (I still do) to a more solitude lifestyle, where you need the time for yourself and being alone is the closest I get to not being ultra sad. I've talked about this with a few people and I know it's probably at the moment the best development for me, but I'm just scared at the moment. Sad too.

So here's my little update on my life, how I feel and stuff. It has not been the most uplifting post I think. Well I know it hasn't, but if you might experience me acting strange or reacting very strongly, just think about this.

I'm not okay, I'm sad and I'm stuck. But I will get there in the end.

KBO people,

Marc

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2 comments

  1. I have so much respect of you for sharing this Marc! When you told me about all the sadness I kept thinking to myself: why? why is he so sad all the time? To be honest, I didn't have the courage to ask because I'm always afraid of saying something wrong. After reading this, I think I understand better though. I can't say that I ever had to go through something like that myself but I get why you're feeling the way you're feeling right now. Okay that's probably not true, I probably don't really get it 100% cause I haven't experienced it myself but I do think I kind of get it (gosh I'm not making much sense, sorry!) Basically I just wanted to tell you that I really admire you for your strenght. Cause you are strong, even if you might not see it yourself.

    Sara / AboutLittleThiings

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  2. People are so brave for sharing their mental health posts. A blog is such a great place to vent, to express and meet other people who are sharing the same things as you. I've felt really sad for a few months, but I know I will feel happy again soon. Hold on! xxxxxxx

    Chloe | Mojichlo xxx

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