Tuesday, 26 July 2016

Post Krakow Talk


So yeah. I'm back from holiday! I've been home for roughly 16 hours as I'm writing this blogpost and I want to share some of my stories. I really had a blast with my friends and I really took in the whole culture of Krakow and Poland. More to come on that in the next weeks, but this is a blogpost about how I felt and how traveling has changed after getting diagnosed.
I was really anxious before I went for several reasons. Obviously I wasn't feeling good and the fact that the anxieties/depressions were more present, made me feel uncomfortable to say the least. I didn't know exactly how to act at home or find things that would calm me down, but how would this affect me while being on holiday? I had no idea..

What I did know before hand, was that it was a ladsholiday. Lads. That means intense holidays to be honest. This was in no way a relaxing holiday, because we always are more tired when coming back then leaving haha. This frightened me and left me with bigger anxieties because of several things

My friends are very outgoing and talkative people. They are loud, enthusiastic and very social. And I mean this all in a good way. (they are also very supportive, kind, understanding) But those are things, that I am not, well at least not at this time in life. So I guess actually going out a lot was something what could cause major anxieties and perhaps panic attacks too.

Now that I have dropped the PA bomb (panic attacks), let's talk some of the precautions I took before going to Krakow, because that's where I went. There's the possibility of me getting medication in combination with my psychotherapy, but this isn't the case right now. The doctor give me a medicine to calm me down when having a panic attack or think that's going to happen. On a holiday of 4,5 days I've taken it 7 times, so yeah 7 times of extrema anxieties and panic.

So I decided to everything with my friends at day and if I felt really anxious, I would take my medication. I would decide after dinner (or Tea) what I would do with the given evening and night. In reality I have felt anxious all my holiday. I have had 1 or 2 panic attacks every day and at night it was too hard for me to go out. At one time I did and I found myself crying at the big square at 2 AM whilst watching the big clock turn minute after minute.

The fact that I didn't feel well all holiday has put me back to earth. I thought that a holiday would sort me out, but to be honest. I has really made me conscious of my anxiety and depression. It made me realise I'm further off than I had imagined and to be completely honest and frank; it hurts like hell. My friends did all the things they could do - of course, I wouldn't want it any other way - but I felt lonely. I felt numb. I think I've shed tears every night and I don't know what to with myself. I'm really stuck mates.

There are plenty of positives about my holiday though! Don't worry about that, loads of material to come on my positive side of the holidays. I just wanted to give you a little update on how I felt on holiday with my mental illness and health.

Hope you are all wel and thank you for taking the time to read this!

Marc





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