Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Travel Anxieties



The moment you are reading this, I'm probably on a plane. The fact is that I will be in Poland after that and more specifically Krakow. Yes, indeed I'm on fucking holiday mate, as some of my english acquaintances would perfectly describe. 5 days of lads, culture, sun, ALL THE FOOD and going out. Well at least that's the plan.

Whilst I'm writing this my anxieties are skyhigh. Like proper lightyears away and stuff. I've never had this and when I think of it, it's the first time traveling since being diagnosed. So that should make for some interesting time.
I love traveling. Since I've hit the traveling bug, I'm all over the place. Mostly football related trips, but also other trips to visit people or just see different regions of the world. It really fills me with joy. But to be honest, the feelings described above are somehow put away by my anxiety and it sucks pals.

Things I'm very anxious about at the moment:
  1. Flying. I've never been a great admirer of flying itself. I bloody love the concept of flying. It's so easy and it takes you to a place rather quickly. But considering my anxieties have grown and this is the first time since February, I'm feeling very anxious about the whole thing. I don't how it will go and I'm scared to have a (little) panic attack.
  2. Medication. I've been given medication that will reduce my panic attacks. I'll probably have a few panic attacks and I'm scared to think what that will bring and how it will affect me.
  3. My friends. Not particularly about my friends, but the holiday. I mean, I've told them what the situation is and what I've been diagnosed with. They say they understand and will make it a fantastic holiday with me, but I still feel I will be a nuisance to them. It's all uncertainty and I can't really say how long I'm going to last that specific day. Oh it really makes me sick thinking about these things.
  4. Being alone. So we have an apartment in Krakow. Pretty decent I think. But what is maybe a tad frightening is being alone there. The way I feel now, I'm probably not going to last long and especially going out would cause problems. That will mean I will be alone in the apartment and I have absolutely no clue how that's going to be. I'm fine on my own usually, but now I am in a foreign country in a city I've never been to and I don't speak the language. Oh my days.
  5. There are 1,5-2 million people in the city because of the Christian World Youth Day. There's a terror threat and they found a bomb already. Enough said.
These are my biggest anxieties. It's all new now, I feel. Traveling can be a relieve for me, but it can be a horrific experience as well. All the uncertainty makes me sick mate. Pff proper sick. Sometimes I ask myself, why? Why do you go on holiday, when you know these situations will probably trigger your anxiety? I don't know. I really don't. The only thing I know is that I'm sad and anxious. I need a good time and hopefully I will have a good week in Poland, despite the anxieties.

Marc

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