Monday, 25 July 2016

Walking in the Shadows


The Sun's shining
Children playing
Adults chatting
Animals feasting
Yet, I feel like I live in the Shadows.

Walking outside makes me feel different
Not belonging as if lived in another world
It's a numb feeling I can't explain
I feel everything and nothing


I worry 24/7
I think about everything, every little detail & specifically what can go wrong
I cry at least once a day, random or about certain things
I don't go out as I will have panic attacks or

I want to stay in and not leave the comfort of my 'castle'
I want my bed, duvet and watch netflix/youtube all day
I want to be alone in my world and not face everything out there
I feel numb

I feel down, more down than the lost WC final in '10 and the lost CL finals from Atletico combined
I feel sad, sad like going to a constant funeral
I want pleasure like I once enjoyed and see with my loved ones
I want to be & feel normal

I want to go out and have fun with the anxieties
I don't want panic attacks every time I do something anxious
I am insecure about my body, abilities and personality
I am afraid of everything in this world and most of all myself

People don't like me, the thought that clouds my mind
People  hate me, the thought that feeds the shadow
I'm angry at myself and
I'm frustrated for being not that what I once was

I'm agitated
I'm tired when I go to sleep, even more tired getting up
I avoid social events, for the though of going makes me vomit and cry
Public transport is a bitch, traveling by plane the master of bitchness

I can't concentrate on work, study and my projects
I've got no motivation at all
My muscles are tensed from all the stres

I push people away who love me, try to help me or I am too invested
I am a shadow in a world full of sun
I am stressed

This is me:
I have anxiety and depression

Hope you are all well.

Marc


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