Saturday, 20 August 2016

A war in my brain.


Having a mental illness or having mental health issues is a difficult thing to grasp. In my opinion it's very abstract and it's hard for people to see who never had that experience. I'm not saying they can't understand or be supportive, but it's hard for them to see certain things. I especially noticed that last week, when my thoughts grew worse but people don't believe it does. They can't 'see' it.
This is something I've really been thinking about these last few days and I have my reasons for it. With everything you there are obviously positive and negative responses. The negative responses are often made out of envy or not understanding what you are talking about. Well, I don't think anyone does envy my situation at this moment, so they don't understand.

I guess it's not easy to understand when someone lives in a completely different world from yours, I get that. After last week I have grown worse and the responses are more negative than experienced. So I'm going to try to write down my feelings and my state of mind at this particular moment. Well, here it goes fam.

I started taking anti-depressant almost 2 weeks ago and like the prediction was; at first I would feel worse. I thought it would be mostly physical as I had to throw up a lot the first day and still do. The headaches and the dizzyness. But no, it's much worse then that to be completely honest. My anxieties have grown bigger, deeper and more frequent. My depression has grown too and the difficult thing about having both mental illnesses, is the fact that they 'compete'. What's good to do for the one, can be a horror for the other. It's truly horror for me at the moment.

If you want to know the feelings I already had, I suggest you read this blogpost. I wrote that one earlier and it gives a more complete feeling of how I feel throughout the days. But these last few days I have these very strong feelings about my existing on this earth. I can't see what I add to this world and only think I'm a burden to everyone. I'm very sure that no one would miss me and that's the reality of how I feel. You may find this very shocking, but it's the truth and I don't think it fair to hold the full truth back to you guys.

I have professional help and I'm working on it, but it's very hard to live life. There are expectations from people, social obligations and assumptions. How do you manage that when feeling the way I do? It's hard and it's hard too trying to explain to the people close to you how you feel. Even more so when you had the most difficult time explaining that you were suffering from Anxiety & Depression.

For me, it leaved me with an interesting choice. I can choose to give it my all and try to put all my energy to get people to understand me, with the risk they never want or will. Or I can choose to put that energy in letting people know how I feel at this moment, who do understand and appreciate the situation. I don't know what to do at the moment, but I do know it's terrible that I feel unsupported in real life and not understood.

My head is a place of battle, a place of war. A place for negative thoughts and extremely negative thoughts. It's a war because I keep fighting, but I don't understand myself. Why do I fight these extremely negative thoughts of not being on this world, but do I let the 'regular' negative thoughts wander freely? It doesn't make sense to me and I feel so very lost at this point. I feel like fighting in the trenches and I'm losing ground everyday.

I was standing in the stadium last night whilst my local team were playing their game. I was on edge and felt the need to cry. I could literally cry every second. I was on my 'happy' place, but I couldn't enjoy it at all. We won 2-0 and all I felt was feeling miserable. What is my life become when I can't enjoy football anymore? Oh mates, I'm lost.

I'm ready for combat and will fight everyday to become better and for recovery. I have this speech from Shakespeare's Henry the Fifth on my mirror, to remind me that I can do anything. I don't truly believe that yet, but hopefully in time I will.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;

Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
Let pry through the portage of the head
Like the brass cannon; let the brow o'erwhelm it
As fearfully as doth a galled rock
O'erhang and jutty his confounded base,
Swill'd with the wild and wasteful ocean.
Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide,
Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit
To his full height. On, on, you noblest English.
Whose blood is fet from fathers of war-proof!
Fathers that, like so many Alexanders,
Have in these parts from morn till even fought
And sheathed their swords for lack of argument:
Dishonour not your mothers; now attest
That those whom you call'd fathers did beget you.
Be copy now to men of grosser blood,
And teach them how to war. And you, good yeoman,
Whose limbs were made in England, show us here
The mettle of your pasture; let us swear
That you are worth your breeding; which I doubt not;
For there is none of you so mean and base,
That hath not noble lustre in your eyes.
I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips,
Straining upon the start. The game's afoot:
Follow your spirit, and upon this charge
Cry 'God for Harry, England, and Saint George!'

This has great value for me, because this reminds me of positive things in life. I love shakespeare and especially this play. I just hope to feel more positive very soon, because this is slowly killing my soul.

Thank you for reading, as always



Marc












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