Saturday, 27 August 2016

Accepting feeling worse


Having an epiphany. I used to love using that word. Does have a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Well before I always thought epiphanies were good yknow, positive things. But on this morning I've had a epiphany that's nothing short of a negative thing. Well maybe not negative, but it's really sad and I thought I just write it down. Sorry if you are here for anything other than my mental health struggles.
So yeah mates, I've had a bit of an epiphany this morning. I didn't like it one bit to be honest. Today is a sad one, as one my former classmates' funeral is today. So it's only natural to feel sad, but I sensed there's more. And it's really upsetting me.

For the last 10 days or so I've been really feeling dark. And I don't mean my tan is on point. I feel like the world I see is one grey world. I feel blind, deaf and mute to the world of happiness. I've been thinking a lot about how the world would look without me. What impact have I brought onto this world? Will my friends miss me? Will you miss me? Isn't it better for everyone, if I just part this world? I'm not suicidal, I think. But these thoughts imagining death aren't good, I realise that.

I've started taking antidepressants a little over two weeks now and I did feel worse indeed. They told me the effects would get worse, but also would fade after 1 or 2 weeks. I've been rather patient, but now the two weeks are over, I'm really starting to freak out about it. What if these thoughts are just me and not the extra effect of the medicine? I'm scared as hell.

It took me a good two hours before I found the motivation to continue this post. I feel really weird. I think some things are very clear to me right now and that's that I'm doing worse.

This weekend there's a musicfestival in my hometown. It's 4 days and it's usually one of the highlights of my year. It's free, everyone is there and there are usually some decent artists. Well obviously not the best of the best, but still some headliners. Anyway I can't possibly go because of the way I feel now. - I'm full on sobbing whilst writing this - I know this isn't wise and I can't motivate myself in any way. I knew this for a few weeks, but now the time has come I feel so incredibly sad I can't go. Everyone of my friends and family is there. I already felt left out and as if I were living in another world. But now it really hit me, I feel as lonely as ever.

Music and football are perhaps my biggest passions and I love going to gigs and football matches. I still go to homegames of my footballclub, but it is very difficult. Instead of enjoying myself and letting myself go for 90 minutes, I'm found having panic attacks and sudden arrivals of tears whilst watching football. I don't fully enjoy it anymore. And to be honest it feels like a broken heart.

I've spoken to a few people who suffer from a mental illness and they felt like they wanted to go back before this all happened. They wanted to feel the happiness they once felt and long for that memory to be true again. To be honest I can't remember the happy times, I don't know how to be happy anymore. I only feel misery and my memories are infected by the state I feel now.

I strongly believe that I'm never going to be the Marc again I was before this all happened. That doesn't mean that is a negative thing. I think I'm going to be a stronger version of myself for having overcome and to manage my mental illnesses. But to begin to recovery - I don't know if this is the right word - you have to accept the situation. Acceptance is key.

I've severe depression and severe anxiety. That is something which is tested and I accept that. I think I did pretty well with that. If I had a bad day - It's not that a good day is free of depression or anxiety, mind you - I thought okay this is fucked. I will keep buggering on, but tomorrow will be better. This was rational thinking until last week.

While feeling worse, I didn't want to believe I was actually getting worse. I was refusing to believe that these thoughts about the world, are signs of things getting worse. Not wanting to live the life I do. Well they are worse. Basically, I was not accepting the situation and the state of mind I'm in.

Coming back to the epiphany, this was what I realised this morning. I'm worse. The anxiety and depression have taken over more of my mind than I thought and had anticipated to be honest. I have the medication, but I have still no idea if they work. I'm lost, stuck and crying a lot. This is the reality and this quote does resemble my thoughts perfectly at the moment:

Depression is living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die

I don't really know what the next step is going to be, but I know that a darker cloud has come over my life. A darker cloud than I had let to believe myself.Here's my being brutally honest: I'm really far from okay.

Thank you for reading, as always


Marc


Enjoyed reading this? Read these too:

A war in my brain

Life with Anxiety and Depression
There's only Night (poem)


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1 comment

  1. My mum is currently back on anti-depressant tablets after being off them for about a year or so now. This has all stemmed from her taking ill through something unrelated which was caused by the same external forces causing the depression. It's tough to witness her going through so much, but on the other hand I'm so proud. Trust your instincts with your tablets, but if you're on other medication or switching things up, give them a little longer and your previous tablets need to fully leave your system. That's probably my best advice right now.


    Also the word epiphany makes me think of THE Simpsons Movie. Search the clip on YouTube, it may cheer you up a little :)

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