Monday, 1 August 2016

Life with Anxiety and Depression


Yes, I'm back with another anxiety/depression post. I'm not ashamed of posting these quite a lot lately. Not anymore. It's part of me and yeah, people seem to find them useful of sorts. So I won't stop, no matter how many times people say I'm weak or something like that.

So back to the fun stuff. This post is a post about me trying to explain as vividly and detailed possible how I feel and how it's to live with Anxiety & Depression. I know it's not the same for everyone, but I think a lot people can relate to this.

The reason why I wanted to make this blogpost - well reasons actually - is the fact that I NEED understanding to a degree. I have people IRL who don't have a clue, don't understand or don't want to understand. Sometimes they don't care, but I'm writing this post for those who want to put the effort in. But clearly have no clue what to do and I want them to understand, because I feel lonely. I feel extremely lonely. I could be surrounded with my family of 40/50 people and still feel like the most lonely person on this planet. Parked on an island in the ocean with nothing but my toxic thoughts.

This is probably going to be a very long blogpost. A very long one. But it's needed. There's no logical order or run of things. I'm going to explain how things feel to me and that's it basically. I also hope that this will help people who struggle to explain to others how they feel.

Don't be offended as a non-sufferer. I don't intend harm, but we NEED you to understand. We NEED you. 'Love yourself' 'Calm down' & 'Bullshit' are no answers we need to hear. You don't have to offer solutions, we just want you to give us the space and realise we don't live in the same cognitive world at some times.

  • Getting up in the morning is so difficult. You feel so tired and exhausted. I literally am awake at 6 AM, but I can't face the world. The only thing I want to do is hide under my duvet, watch Netflix/Youtube and forget about the world 'out there'. I am in my own world.
  • I feel numb a lot. Not Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb. Like the world is spinning at a pace that is 5 times faster than my own. It's going too fast and everyone is participating, but I can't. It makes me so frustrated, angry and sad. I literally feel like I live behind a glass window in a Zoo. Getting more sad and sad, as the days are passing by.
  • I'm sad all the time. I haven't felt happy in more than 6 months now. It makes me cry at night, almost every day. If I smile, I smile. But that doesn't mean I'm happy. There's always that feeling underneath of sad emotions. It's like going to a constant funeral and contemplating on life. It's even more saddening that you know, you once was so happy with life and now you're not.
  • Some days going out is not that of a problem and it all goes fairly well. But this can change very quickly. Most of the days I dread going out, even eating breakfast with my family can give very high anxieties, let alone going out to the shop, town, public transport. MATE don't even start about social events. Social events usually end like this for me nowadays: It's very frightening to go to. Panic attack at home. Sweating and worrying like hell going there. At the party I think, oh not too bad this. But at the end of the party I'm in a corner or at the toilet crying the ocean out my eyes.
  • I worry all the times. Is my alarm set? What if it doesn't go off? Is my alarm on my phone set? I think and worry all the time. No break, all the time. Worrying about everyone who I hold dear. IRL or Internet, I'm worrying all the time.
  • Panic attacks. I have them on an average, once a day. The littlest things or comments or tweet, can set me off and put me in this state, that I know I'm going full on panic attack. 'Calming down' is not an option, because I'll irrational things and I can't get out of it. It's very intense both emotionally and physically.
  • I feel so lonely. Like really lonely. Nobody fully understands and yet I want them to understand. I could be with family or surrounded with friends, but still feel lonely. Sometimes I want to be alone, but at the same time I'm incredibly lonely and I think nobody likes me.
  • I'm incredibly insecure. I don't like my body, the way it looks, the way it moves. I hate it. When I say this, I genuinely feel like this, saying that I have to start loving my body, yeah that's alright. BUT I know that, I just feel incredibly ugly and insecure. I'm not angling for praise, I'm struggling.
  • I don't feel normal, I want to be normal. It makes incredibly frustrated, angry and pissed off. Also, If I look normal, that doesn't mean I'm not struggling. I'm in constant war with myself, I'm living in the trenches. 
  • Depression is living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die
  • I think my personality and my abilities are shit. I'm not deserving of anything good. I feel like people dislike me. People hate me. 
  • My thoughts are like clouds for positivity. I don't see sun, only shadows. Everyone can tell me of better days to come, but at the moment I feel like shit and only see the fucking darkness.
  • I'm always tired. I used to never take naps, now I have to. My sleep rhythm is non-existent. I go to bad at 9, can't sleep before 2, wake up at 4, sleep till 6 and can't sleep anymore. I'm tired and exhausted when getting out of bed and it takes so much energy, courage and will to start the day.
  • Public transportation as a student is so relevant, yet this proves one the biggest tests to me. Bus & train are something that really gets to me. My anxieties are higher than the Eiffel tower. Even thinking about it right now, makes me howling with anxiety. I don't like it at all and everything that has to do with traveling does frighten me. I can't drive a car because of my anxieties, it's too dangerous and I would have a panic attack right away. 
  • I've absolutely no motivation or inspiration. I'm not inspiring or creative. Productivity is low, very low.  Concentration is gone, concentrating on study, work, projects or else is mission impossible at times. It takes me 10 times as long to make a blogpost as before. The only thing that seems to go smoothly is writing about mental health.
  • It has a physical effect. My hands tingle, my toes feel numb. My muscles are tensed all the time. It causes chest pain. Your heartbeat races during panic attacks. Even paralysis anxiety can happen. You freeze for a moment, or a period, anxiety can make you feel literally numb and to be honest, it's the worst feeling ever. Not been able to move whilst having those terrible thoughts.
  • I'm invested in relationships. Too invested. I rely too much on the people who understand me or are close to me. They might not understand the seriousness of my condition and this leads to irritation. I push people away by telling them how I feel. I push good people, who care about me, love me, away because of these stupid brain squirming sessions. 
  • I feel like people the blogging community has this great understanding of what I'm going through and people IRL don't.  I get the feeling that the contrast becomes bigger and bigger. Am I isolating myself? Am I turning my friends and family away and becoming more and more caring about the people I've met online and haven't seen yet? It's so freaking scary and terrifying to see the contrast growing. Although I'm very happy with my internetfriends
  • I'm on edge, stressed, irritated, agitated. ALL THE TIME.
  • Anything can be a trigger for my anxiety, really everything. It can be as simple as my piece of food touching something it shouldn't. It can be walking outside. For example, I walked to the stadium the other day and the whole journey made me so anxious. Looking out for everything on the street, alive or not. People, animals,cars, traffic.
  • The label 'General Anxiety Disorder' or 'Depression' hasn't comforted me. It has worried me more. No, it's not the same, there has changed something.
  • I'm afraid of speaking of it. Thinking people will regard me as dumb, stupid, emotionally weak, not belonging to this society, psychopath, sociopath, strange, weird, paria. I'm afraid of breaking the stigma. Afraid to be considered different. I don't want people to worry, it's just me.
  • Feeling anxiety does make me oversensitive for other things. Noises, smells, visions. It's all more present and can make me very disturbed and confused.
  • Going out of the house can be a living hell. It's not as easy going out as it was before. When my friends decide to go somewhere, I can't just hop along. I'm afraid of losing my friends over this and they assured me it won't happen, but still.
  • Getting dressed or showered can sometimes be the most difficult task in the world. My PJ's and sporting outfits are more used than ever. I'm not even exercising that much.
  • I've got medication for panic attacks and I might get medication for my anxiety and depression which I have to take every day. I'm getting psychotherapy in 4 months due to a waitinglist.
  • Yes, I do get offended sometimes when people makes jokes about being depressed, OCD or else. 
  • I do place other people's lives above my own and will do anything to help people. It would be just fine if I'd notice people caring for me for once. Actually asking how I am doing.
  • I struggle with day to day relationships. It's so hard when I'm feeling stuck, let alone maintaining a relationship with family, friends or even romantically. And no, at this moment searching for love, isn't an option. FAM, this is the worst at the moment.
  • I cry a lot and I'm a man, That's the reality. The sadness overshadows the things I once considered as my getting out hobby. Football, Music. It's so hard that I can't enjoy them as much as I did, at this moment.
  • I've grew close to some internetfriends. They understand me better sometimes and I like talking to them. I feel connected.
  • I'm really afraid of doing wrong. I want to help people and I'm afraid I don't say the right things or that people don't like me when I say something that I consider is wrong.
  • Sometimes I feel like giving up. Giving up the fighting. Not life, but giving up all the effort and just 'live' my days in bed.

Living with anxiety is like being followed by a voice. It knows all your insecurities and uses them against you. It gets to the point when it's the loudest voice in the room. The only one you can hear.

I'm sure I'm forgetting some things. And I just want to let you know, I don't feel like this all the time. But it's important for me to remember that I feel of these things on a very regular base. This blogpost started as something to let my friends read how I feel at the moment. I've made the step to go seek help and I know I'm at the beginning of my 'recovery' or 'journey'. This is how it feels to me. I hope you learnt something or thought that this was very relatable. I just feel like this at the moment and I hope that things will improve now, but I don't see that happening very soon.

I don't know if this made sense. I sincerely hope I don't offend people or that you think less of me because of these blogposts. I'm just trying to express my feelings and I know that blogging does help me.

Thank you so much for reading, 

Marc

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2 comments

  1. I followed after reading through this post. Took me a while but I was just left nodding along with all of your points. It must have been difficult to write these down so well done you. It definitely makes sense for the people who understand it! I'm sure this will help a lot of people.

    www.lacylatest.co.uk

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    1. Thank you for your kind words! I hope it will help people :)

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