Sunday, 14 August 2016

Little life update




It's Sundaymorning as I'm writing this. I'm physical and mental exhausted. I feel sick. I have forced myself last night to go to a friend's and despite feeling the way I feel, I did it. When I came back I had a real breakdown and I think I'm still in that phase somehow. So here's me, writing a little life update whilst tears fill my eyes and will shortly roll down my cheeks.


It's about an hour later, when I have found the motivation to continue this blogpost and that's the reality. I've really got no motivation at all. Motivation to wake up, to start the day is non-existent at the moment and it makes me incredibly frustrated and sad. I'm struggling to get out of bed today, really struggling. Trying for a good 2,5 hours to motivate myself, crying and sighing that I just can't get my head around it. I'm physically exhausted because of it and it makes me kind of desperate.

Last Tuesday I started my medication, anti-depressants. I was told the first two weeks there could be a lot of side effects and my anxiety/depression getting worse, but I wouldn't have imagined that it would influence me the way it does. I feel so sad right now, so incredibly sad. I'm crying right now and I've no idea why exactly. The only thing I know is that I feel so lonely and isolated.

It's kind of weird to say that I feel lonely and isolated. Well it's weird for most people near me. I have a fantastic group of friends, who I can share anything and everything with, I have my family. Yet I do feel really lonely. I feel that there's not a single person in real life, that can understand me, wants to understand or is capable of putting the effort in. It feels like I'm in a glass house, seeing the world evolve around me at a pace of 320 mph and I can hardly manage to go 50 mph. I feel trapped in the world, I once called me own and it makes me very very sad indeed.

So last night I had a proper breakdown. Sobbing. Crying oceans out of my eyes. Shaking. Panicking. Not only do I feel my anxieties are high and my depression is really restricting me of doing anything that I regard as productive, I also feel like that panic-breakdown state I was in yesterday, hasn't left me. It's like I'm still witnessing and noticing all these things I did yesterday night, but on a lower level. I have absolutely no clue what's going on with me and that frightens me.

Logically speaking, the fact that I feel worse could be explained from the fact I've started my medicines and it's a logical consequence. I know that and it probably is. But the thought of me genuinely feeling worse as a result of 'me' and not the anti-depressants, is as ever present. It makes me really confused, sad, angry and done. Done with life as I live it now. I want to go to a stage in my life, where I can enjoy things again.

To be honest, I feel the lowest I've ever felt. Anxiety and Depression have got me in their firm grip and it's getting more tight. I've noticed my social appearances are the victim. I'm a quite social person, but all this label giving, process, recovery starting and this decline of mind have taken its toll. I noticed that yesterday when going to friends. It was so difficult and they are the best of friends, and literally would do anything for me. But still that anxious feeling was so high, the sadness was present and I felt really like I didn't belong in 'their' world. It's killing me from the inside.

Today is worse than yesterday and I know that tomorrow could be better. It could also be worse or the same. But the fact that I feel this way I do now, makes it very hard. I don't know when I have hit rockbottom and if seeking help, has done anything good for me. I know it's good that I've made the decision to go seek help, but at this point I have three levels below. Being on a waitinglist for 4 months doesn't help obviously.

The feeling that really makes me breathe more difficult is the feeling that I have right now. I feel like everyone in this world dislikes me. Hates me. I feel like negative subtweets are about me. I feel like my blog is going nowhere and people hate it. This is how I feel and it's pretty upsetting to be honest with you mates.

I'm sorry to put such a downer on this Sunday, but as followers of my blog I only thought it fair to let you know how I feel and why my blogpost quality hasn't been up to standard lately. I Hope you are all well and have a fantastic Sunday.

Marc

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3 comments

  1. I hope your medication kicks in soon for you... It can take a while to get used to. I hope writing everything down in this blog post as helped... I do find writing thoughts and feeling down (whether in a blog post or a book) can be quite therapeutic.

    Take care.

    P.S. - Here via #BlogosphereChat on Twitter.

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  2. This was difficult to read. I hate to think of you as anything but happy but you know where I am if you ever need to chat. :)

    I love that our blogs can be an outlet for our feelings so don't ever apologise for writing about what you feel.

    Beverley S.
    Xx
    www.beverbeeee.com

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  3. It hurts my heart that you're feeling like this, I really really hope that things get better for you soon, if you ever need a chat you know where to find me xo

    Haze // hazebeaulie.blogspot.co.uk

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