Wednesday, 28 September 2016

The process of understanding my OCD


Oi people! Yes, it is I. Okay, that was probably the worst attempt of having a funny opening to a blogpost ever. Period. Anyway lads and lassies, I'm back. Sort of. Kind of. Not really. For some reason, blogging hasn't been easy lately and it's really frustrating to be honest. I tried to think of blogging non-mental health related, but that was just an impossible task I found out. So here's me talking a bit of something that has grown into my life the last weeks: OCD.
So as most of you might know, I suffer from mental health issues. Mental illnesses. If not I suggest you read some of those posts, to give you a general idea about how I felt and still feel to this day. I've been diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Severe Depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Those are facts. But somehow, being diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder made me the most confused of all.

When being diagnosed I was really in a shock. I mean I was shocked when being diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder and Depression earlier, but I sort of expected that. D'ya know what I mean? But with OCD it was completely different. I obviously knew about it and had read some blogs on it, met some people online who suffered or suffer with OCD. But never did I feel like I could identify with the symptoms or feelings I had envisioned with being OCD. (Okay fam, is it 'having OCD' or 'being OCD'?)

I'm going to talk a bit about my OCD and what it means from me, from day to day. I know little about OCD compared to Anxiety Disorder and depression. Also I suppose there are people out there who know more about OCD, but I'm going to try to describe what it means for me personally.

Right, I was diagnosed with three forms of OCD. So they told me I was suffering from Checking, Touching and Intrusive Thoughts OCD. Bear in mind guys, I had no clue what these diagnoses meant or what it did mean for. To be honest I knew about contamination, but other than that I was completely clueless. I read a lot about it and started to write down what I did experience what could have an effect on me.

So having obsessions or obsessive thoughts about certain things make you very anxious and it makes you perform certain rituals or also named compulsions. So in my case, the OCD can be divided into three different groups or categories:
  • Checking OCD: The need to check is the compulsion, the obsessive thoughts of fear are in my case the worry of my house getting robbed, getting on fire or people getting hurt when I don't check the locks, close the doors and make sure everything is cleared of the walking path. I do check my stuff for uni multiple times. I check my wallet for my card. I check my bike. I check clothes. The number is 8. I check everything 8 times.
  • Touching OCD: This was explained to me as the obsessive fear of situations going wrong if I didn't act on it. The compulsion being to touch certain objects. In my case my cross in my bedroom. My little bracelet. My watch. The side of my laptop. And yes, the magical number is 8. 
  • Intrusive thoughts OCD: This was a bit of difficult thing to understand. I have thoughts about doing bad things whilst being at church. I have thoughts of my friends being in danger a lot. 

I'll be honest, I know too little about this subject to properly discuss it all right now. I hope I can tell more about it in the weeks to come. But I do know it scares the living crap out of me. I notice my compulsions getting more frequent and more intense. I know I'm more anxious and as a consequence of that, my compulsions are getting worse.

I'm so scared, because I notice my body and mind changing. The OCD is worse and I feel like it worsens every week. Like it adds more shit to my depression and anxiety disorder. I don't know what to do. I think this blogpost hasn't made sense, but I owe it to you all, my lovely friends. I'm still here and I'm fighting, determined to battle this all.

Hope you enjoyed reading this. Do you suffer from a mental illness? Or do you want to talk about it? Always here for you!

Marc





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