Monday, 14 November 2016

Depression is a daft cunt.


Depression is a daft cunt. Yes, I said it. I'm sorry for using that type of language, but it's really what I feel right now. I'm so emotional right now, so I'm going tell you what's bothering me. Depression makes my life a hell sometimes and I'm so frustrated.


As you most probably know, I suffer with depression. I also suffer from Anxiety and OCD. But this post is all about depression. This morning I woke up feeling like a worthless pile of shit - if you ever encounter a pile of shit of worth, you will thank me - and I feel so incredibly low, sad and empty. I feel like the sentiment of the song Comfortably Numb, without feeling comfortabel.

I'm angry, really angry. I'm tired of feeling this sad. I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'm tired of feeling as if life is shit. I'm tired of this feeling that I want to cry all the time. I'm tired of not wanting to face the world. I'm so done with this depression and I just want to feel 'me' again. FFS.

As I sit here I don't know what I am, what I want and what I want. I'm scrolling down twitter, using my fingers, but it feels as if the fingers are not my own. The feeling of not knowing what you are doing, frustrates and irritates me. I feel so disconnected with my body and mind, let alone the world where we live in. I have a headache of an empty feeling and all I want to do is hide. Hide from the world and everything in it.

Everything feels so heavy, so hard. Every fiber of my being is dipped in the pool of depression and the fabric of the world is heavy. But only on me. People seem to have no trouble whatsoever living life. But I feel like I have run the bloody marathon, gave birth to an army of elephants and are going to an everlasting funeral. The amount of time it takes me to type this little blogpost is unbelievable and it makes me incredibly sad.

I have been staring 5 minutes and nothing has come up in my mind. I feel fucking sick and lost. I'm stuck in this world of sadness and there's absolutely no reason for me to feel sad. My life is good and I've nothing to complain, but still this beast, this devil, this arch-nemesis creeps up and fucks my mind up, to the point I don't know what to do or think.

My depression is like totalitarianism. Every fiber of my being is depressed. Not only the way I act, but also the way I think is influenced by this black dog of mine as Winston Churchill put it. On days like these I'm lost and I have lost the battle. I feel shit.

I have let tears, cried and sobbed. I react strongly to comments of people. The slightest discussion can set me off and I'm still crying over what has happened a few hours back. As the tears drop onto the keys of my laptop, I don't know what to anymore. I'm stuck.

I really hate feeling like this as if life has no purpose. I hate feeling like I deserve no respect, no appreciation, no love, no happy life. Depression is a real tosser.
Marc





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1 comment

  1. So raw and honest! I want you to know that you might feel alone, but you have all the support, you know who we are.
    You're right, depression is an absolute bastard. It makes you feel like you have a little person living in your brain who just wants you to be sad and numb all the time.
    I know this shouldn't make me laugh, but I couldn't stop myself laughing out loud at the thought of you physically giving birth to an army of elephants.
    You're allowed to cry and let it all out. That's 100% okay.
    Always remember, you're going to win this war. Even if you have some set backs on the way.
    Love you

    ReplyDelete

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