Wednesday, 21 December 2016

Blogmas #21: Opening up is hard.


Talking is so important, fam. Not only is it our primary communication form, but is also a very good way of letting things go. Talking about your problems, issues or irritations can honestly soothe the soul. This is one of my most given advices; talk about the things that bother you. But it's not easy, I never said that. I've experienced it myself these past few days and I wanted to share it with you.



It has been a weird month for me personally. It had its up and downs, really. But the thing that has really created the feeling, I'm feeling right now, started last week to be honest. There was TalkMH chat about PTSD and I guess nobody knew about this. I haven't spoken about it over 5 years and I was thinking of not doing at all. But seeing everyone share their stories and see how much support there's, made me think about it more and more. I decided to join the chat and open up about the fact that I got PTSD.

I've opened up about it to my doctor as well and it was so, so hard. you only realise how much it still hurts when you dig in your soul and have a good look. By just hiding it, putting it in a dark corner of your soul, you are not dealing with it. In fact, you are only putting it away. Inevitably, the hurt would come to the surface anyway, I just didn't know when or where. But hey, now I know how hurt I was and still am. And this time I'm going to deal with it, at least that is the plan.

But I feel the hardest part is yet to come. Confronting myself with the trauma and the evens that led up to the trauma. I guess that is fucking hard and I'm not sure how I will cope with it. Every time I think of it, I feel angry, hurt, sad, frustration, disappointment and disbelieve. I feel weak, a let down and a worthless pile of shit. I feel ashamed of the things that happened to me, but I know I don't have to. I still do feel like a disappointment to society.

The last few days I have been very, very strange. I feel alone, lonely and isolated. But I know I isolate myself as well. I'm choosing myself for the moment, I need to. But the digging in my past has brought up some demons. The nightmares are present, even worse than before. It's no fun telling this, nor will it be reading this. But this is the truth.

Hope you are all well,

Marc


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